The Story

I am sitting at Caribou in a sweet arm chair that I haven't sat in in months. Brandi Carlile just came on the speakers, and I'd totally forgot about her since our obsession in Sydney. So I am also on her website, earphones blasting and definitely not in the States in my mind. I'm sorry for how many times I say that. I'm ruined.

I tried something new to drink here, which is always a really tough decision for me. Chai Tea Latte with a shot of espresso, also known as Dirty Chai? I'll be on these until I get sick of them and try something else, just like I'll be frequenting the doors of Pei Wei Asian Diners until I can no longer stomach brown rice and teryaki chicken. I usually find things I like and then hold on for dear life as I overuse (or overeat) it. I've found the reason I do this is because I am so afraid of being disapointed, wasting my money or having to make a decision (you may know already that I am one of the most indecisive people any of us know). Thankfully, I am starting to branch out a little. I'd like to know by the time I am 78 that I lived without fear, right down to chai tea. Speaking of chai tea, I should drink mine before it gets cold. I am also afraid of asking those people to heat up my cup.

Go look up Brandi Carlile. Or just go here- www.brandicarlile.com. You might like it.

Like a little flower...

I think It's been long enough since I've posted on here. Although, I never did tell anyone I made one of these, so it's possible I'm the only person who reads it. Hah. What fun.

I'm starting to come alive again. It's the best feeling... just as spring is getting springy, too. I knew the change was coming in my heart, but it really hit me once I got my guitar- excuse me, Josh's guitar- back. I remembered how much I used to play at school and how little I have felt like myself the past 5 months, for more reasons than that. Transitioning has been pretty tough this time, but I've been growing more as well. I welcome this growth and change for sure.

Last night was a bit miserable, for reasons I'll leave as a mystery to you. I came home completely altered by the experience and ended up writing a song about it. The song is under construction at the moment, with the help of my dear Ashlee Hardee. Maybe when we finish I'll put it online somewhere.. along with a few others I need to get together. I'll admit the song isn't my preferred style (lyrically?) but sometimes you just have to get it out, you know.

Well, I think that's about all I've got right now. I will say that I am in awe of the fact that there is brand-new mercy in my hands every morning. Can you imagine? I just can't get over it. And with that, I bid you goodnight.

Oh yes, Papertongues went on tour today. God bless those boys.

can the weather please pick something?

So. Lately I've been going through my different sites (hotmail... this one...) and finally changing my location to Charlotte from Sydney. You know, it's really a lot harder than it sounds. I actually have to make it "official" that I'm no longer living in Sydney.. settled back in my lovely America. For now. I keep saying it like that. People will ask me,

"So are you back in Charlotte for good?"
"Yeah! For now.."
"Oh... ok.."

It's cause I can't make up my mind. Or maybe It's because I've been back in this country for almost 4 months now (what?!) and I still dream of going back, even if it means swimming. Granted, I've only been back in charlotte for a month... and I realize it's going to take some time figuring things out. I just get impatient sometimes, because I want it to be good right now, and I want everything to make sense and come together right now. And I want to fix things myself, and not wait or lean on anyone else to do it. I don't like to admit that sometimes I view God like that.. especially since it's only my head that keeps going and freaking out about all the goals I haven't made and all the time I'm wasting by sleeping in and doing nothing with my life.. and all the things I could do if I had this or that. But my heart knows so well that God will provide, and that He always has, and if I trust Him... well that's just all I need. It feels like my emotions have been consistent only with the weather, which isn't very reliable right now. I'm done being so fragile. It's time I let God show me again just how good and faithful He really is.

finishing.

So I made this blog in august and have only written once. That's a really typical thing I do... maybe this will change soon.

Tonight I am reminded that one of the most difficult things for me to do is truly let go of control and give it to God. Trusting him with the details should be easy but somehow the control makes me feel like it will all come out the way I think it should. I've recently graduated from a little place called Hillsong, left the sweet shores of Australia and planted myself right back in Charlotte with little to no plans. I wish I could tell you that makes me excited, but right now it annoys me because I like to have plans. Making plans is something I do... in fact, I also take great interest in planning everyone else's lives, yours included. (that's a joke..) Whether or not my plans come through (and usually they don't... you know how plans are..) it's the present inspiration that matters to me. I'm fighting for that inspiration right now, at a time in my life where I am at the beginning of everything with nothing in my hands but who I am. A completely blank canvas with only a glint of the finished product (or at least some of it) and not a clue how to start making it. I guess that is where I need to learn and learn and learn again how to let God take over and work through me when I feel like I've got nothing. Nothing to offer, nothing to bring but me. Maybe this is the best place to be. Maybe making plans is what he wants to do, and what I can do is trust that every single one is good, to give me hope and a future I could never try to dream up. So here I am. You can have it all.

loneliness?

So today is the first of my ramblings and things like that.. I'm no writer, that's for sure. I leave those things to my more capable brother. I'll probably write a lot of things like this "...." without complete sentences, but that's exactly how it is sounding in my head so naturally it's what comes out. This is just a look inside, really...

It's been 5 days since Jemma left Sydney for Melbourne. Since she left me here in this cold house... basically it sucks. I've been on facebook about 1o times throughout the day and I'm now debating watching Lord of the Rings on her computer. Mine broke again, of course. I still think macs are the better species but i really wish one of the big guys would get me a brand new one cause mine seems to hate me. Anyway back to the point. I really miss Jemma... i've been thinking about it the past few days, while i've been secluded in my little bear cave. We always realize it over and over throughout life (or at least i know i do), the whole deal about not realizing how good something is until you dont have it anymore. but since jem's been away in warm carpet bliss for nearly a week now, i've definitely realized i love having her around. and when she's gone there's so many times i want to tell her something exciting or random (i'm full of those..) or just hang out. i'm basically bored out of my mind without her.
and it's had me thinking more about home. yep, homesickness has definitely gotten worse the past few weeks, even before jem left. who knows what comes next. i want to do so many things that it's hard to decide. and i dont have to yet. my mind gets a bit carried away sometimes..
lonely, bored or homesick? i'm sure it's all... there's no moral to this blog. maybe there will be occasionally. the rare gem. (ha. gem. gemma. nice.. (that's an insider if you are confused..)). maybe something cliche... so why dont you just make one up for me, hey?

ps. jemma, come home.